My first child, a daughter, was born five weeks early on March 28, 2011.  During my pregnancy, I wrote her a few letters as I processed my own preparation to become a mother.  They are part of the spiritual journey I have walked over these past months, and so I share them here in that light.

Letter 1

Letter 2

Written March 26, 2011

Baby Girl,

It’s hard to believe that we’re just a handful of weeks away from meeting you face to face.  I think back to August and feel like it’s all a blur.  When I took that test on a Friday afternoon, it told me to wait two minutes for the results, and before I could even turn around it had already turned.  “Pregnant,” it said.  No time to wait.  No time to anticipate.  The answer was crystal clear, and there was no ambiguity about it.  It took all of 0.2 seconds to confirm what I already knew in my bones.  I walked out sheepishly to your father, embarrassed that I had told him we would have to wait a couple of minutes to find out the answer, and showed him the proof.   We sat there on the couch, not knowing what to think or do.  We were parents.  We knew life would change radically, even though we weren’t exactly sure how.

Now we sit here on the verge of that change with my belly swollen and a bedroom freshly painted with a new crib inside.  Your Daddy paused in front of the door one day this week and expressed his disbelief that you will be sleeping inside those walls in a few weeks.  It is hard to know what to expect of these last days of preparation and anticipation.  I confess my heart oscillates between fear and excitement sometimes in a matter of minutes.  Taking care of you inside my womb has been a pretty smooth process for me, and sometimes I wonder how I will ever manage life with you in my arms.  But then there are times when I think about it – you being in my arms – and I am just awestruck that you will be mine.  There are so many other babies and children I’ve held in my life, but you will be the only one who came forth from me and carries a part of me.  It is the most surreal feeling, and I do not know what to expect as I anticipate meeting you.

I love you,

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

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